Q. Could you tell us something about the circumstances surrounding your encounter?
A. Encounter?

Q. Your UFO experience.
A. Oh, yeah. Well, I'd passed out in the middle of the road out somewheres in I guess Texas or Arkansas...

Q. Passed out? Were you at the wheel?
A. No, on foot. I'd lost m'car keys somewhere, or something. I haven't fallen asleep at the wheel in a long time, 'cause whenever I get in the car I pop me a few Brubaker's © just to keep alert.

Q. So you were passed out...
A. Yeah. And then I seen this bright light, right above me, and the next thing you know I was a human guinea pig, floating a couple hundred miles above the earth.

Q. Do you remember anything about your captors?
A. Well, they were tiny little bluish grey people from Proxima Centauri the first time. The second time, which was just this last year, was a couple real fancy ladies from the Alphane moons, I think. Their names were Candy and Lena, and mmmm...(Licks lips salaciously) you ain't never had you none 'til you've had you some of that.

Q. You mean you...you were physically intimate with the aliens?
A. Well, sure. Not with the little bluish grey ones. Shoot, no, I wouldn'ta screwed any of them with your dick.

 

Q. So you were actually taken aboard two different ships, by two different groups of aliens?

A. Yeah. See, when I was aboard the first ship, I was the first well known recording artist they'd ever taken aboard, so they was fascinated by my extensive knowledge of the recording industry. I played 'em some of my tape.

Q. You had them with you?

LeBeauf: "Turn back Hombre"

A. Course I did. Always do. Anyhow, they was real taken with some of the tunes, and they asked if I could do one for them. Well I thought maybe I'd just teach 'em a little song, something easy and not too long, and they could sing it and I'd produce it and I'd have me a hit with it on Earth, being the first human to record aliens singing a folksong. So I taught 'em "My Bonnie."

Q. The Beatles tune?
A. Hell, no, it's an old song. I learnt it to John Lennon myself in Hamburg in, oh, '60 or '61. He was just a kid. Anyway, I learnt it to them aliens just the same way, and they sang it, but when I got back to Earth nobody believed me and the record didn't do squat on the charts.

Q. How did you get released?
A. Oh, they were pleased as hell. They ended up having pretty much a galaxy wide smash with the single, seeing as how nobody'd ever heard the song except Earthlings before. And maybe a few aliens monitoring Earth radio. And that's what brought me to Candy and Lena's attention.

Q. They came here just to meet you? Because of the song?
A. No, they was here to round up cattle and a few people.

Q. For what purpose?
A. Oh, you know, food. For the giant slugs they keep as pets.

Q. Cattle and people both?
A. Well, now, I'm not 100% certain. I thought the people were supposed to go to the Alphane moons and take care of the cattle while they fattened 'em up...hmm. Now you've got me a little concerned. But anyway, as long as they was gonna be here, they decided they'd try and meet me.

Q. And they did.

LeBeauf: "Them Aliens... ___were this high"

A. They most certainly did. I have to say, those alien women certainly do have a way with sexual intercourse.

Q. In what sense?
A. Oh...extra body parts, for one thing.

Q. Which parts?
A. The best parts. All the best parts. Plus heads, arms, you name it. It was hard to tell where one started and the other stopped. I never had so much fun in my whole damned life.

Q. And all in all you think it was a good experience?
A. Sure. Except for the pain of love lost. You want to listen to that record now? Brubaker's Little Caffeine Pills ©, the ones with the delicious minty eucalyptus taste© Tex says buy 'em!