Q. Could you tell us something about the circumstances surrounding your
A. Oh, yeah. Well, I'd passed out in the middle of the road out somewheres
in I guess Texas or Arkansas...
out? Were you at the wheel?
A. No, on foot. I'd lost m'car keys somewhere, or something. I haven't
fallen asleep at the wheel in a long time, 'cause whenever I get
the car I pop me a few Brubaker's © just to keep alert.
you were passed out...
A. Yeah. And then I seen this bright light, right above me, and the
next thing you know I was a human guinea pig, floating a couple hundred
miles above the earth.
you remember anything about your captors?
A. Well, they were tiny little bluish grey people from Proxima Centauri
the first time. The second time, which was just this last year, was
a couple real fancy ladies from the Alphane moons, I think. Their
names were Candy and Lena, and mmmm...(Licks lips salaciously) you
ain't never had you none 'til you've had you some of that.
mean you...you were physically intimate with the aliens?
A. Well, sure. Not with the little bluish grey ones. Shoot, no, I
wouldn'ta screwed any of them with your dick.
you were actually taken aboard two different ships, by two different
groups of aliens?
See, when I was aboard the first ship, I was the first well known
recording artist they'd ever taken aboard, so they was fascinated
by my extensive knowledge of the recording industry. I played 'em
some of my tape.
had them with you?
"Turn back Hombre"
A. Course I did. Always do. Anyhow, they was real taken with some
of the tunes,
and they asked if I could do one for them. Well I thought maybe I'd
just teach 'em a little song, something easy and not too long,
they could sing it and I'd produce it and I'd have me a hit with
it on Earth, being the first human to record aliens singing a folksong.
So I taught 'em "My Bonnie."
A. Hell, no, it's an old song. I learnt it to John Lennon myself in
Hamburg in, oh, '60 or '61. He was just a kid. Anyway, I learnt it
to them aliens just the same way, and they sang it, but when I got
back to Earth nobody believed me and the record didn't do squat on
did you get released?
A. Oh, they were pleased as hell. They ended up
having pretty much a galaxy wide smash with the single, seeing
as how nobody'd ever heard the song except Earthlings before. And
maybe a few aliens monitoring Earth radio. And that's what brought
me to Candy and Lena's attention.
came here just to meet you? Because of the song?
A. No, they was here to round up cattle and a few people.
A. Oh, you know, food. For the giant slugs they keep as pets.
and people both?
A. Well, now, I'm not 100% certain. I thought the people were supposed
to go to the Alphane moons and take care of the cattle while they
fattened 'em up...hmm. Now you've got me a little concerned. But anyway,
as long as they was gonna be here, they decided they'd try and meet
___were this high"
most certainly did. I have to say, those alien women certainly do
have a way with sexual intercourse.
A. Oh...extra body parts, for one thing.
A. The best parts. All the best parts. Plus heads, arms, you name
it. It was hard to tell where one started and the other stopped. I
never had so much fun in my whole damned life.
all in all you think it was a good experience?
A. Sure. Except for the pain of love lost. You want to listen to
that record now? Brubaker's Little Caffeine Pills ©, the ones with the
delicious minty eucalyptus taste© Tex says buy 'em!